Do you Honestly Know Me?

I have been awarded the following award from two lovely ladies here in bloggyland. Christy and Ashley. I am honored that they would consider me for this award and I say a big ole right back at 'cha! -to the both of you!

Rules for the award:
1. Must thank the person who gave you the award and list their blog and link it.


2. Share "10 Honest things" about yourself.


3. Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.


4. Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

I met Christy here in bloggyland a little over two years ago. I found her by way of my sister, Demetria. I fell in love with her blog because she was such a good writer, and she was both completely honest and entertaining at the same time. Seriously, it was like being addicted to one of my "favorite shows," I have to watch every week faithfully. There were times I'd be laughing out loud and Hugh would ask me what was going on, and I'd read him her latest post. I've enjoyed getting to know her better through her blog, and hope to meet her in person someday.

Ashley actually found me first. She left me a comment and I was so excited to meet and connect with her, because she had recently married one our best friends, Kurt, from medical school. We couldn't go down for the wedding because I was in the hospital having Anna Grace. She has become so dear to both of us, and we are so happy that Kurt found such a wonderful godly woman who truly loves him. We've had the chance to meet once, but I feel like we're old friends now, because we have kept in touch through e-mail, Face book, and our blogs. We have so much in common. I love visiting her blog because most of the time I read something and exclaim, "Me too!" And isn't it nice to feel like you're not alone in something. You know, to feel like someone else knows exactly how you feel or what you think about something. It's like "Yes, someone gets me." And she always has something new and entertaining going on. I look forward to moving back home and being able to get together with Ashley, Kurt, and Evy!

OK, so here's 10 very honest things about me:

1. I am an oxymoron of sorts.(Example...) I don't blog for others, nor have I ever felt pressured to blog everyday to keep readers. I don't want "my computer time" to interfere with my family, and what's best for my children. There have been a few times I've taken small breaks, because I feel like I'm spending too much time here, and not getting everything done that needs to be done, here at home. I don't feel like it's honest to write about or to encourage others as a homemaker, and mother if I'm not actively and consistently doing the things I write about in my own life, or in my own home with my own children. However, I always check for comments, like 10 times a day, and I do a little happy dance every time I get one of these awards. It's a struggle. I'm just trying to keep it all in balance. I can't help myself, I love to "visit" with people, and I love discussions. Preferably deep meaningful discussions, where I can learn something. But, I don't want that to ever become more important than the life the Lord has blessed me with.

2. I am the slowest person ever at typing. Which may make the above statement more clear for some. My husband enabled me a lot in college by typing all my papers for me. Yes, it's a sad sad truth. We both are the worst procrastinators, and never did our papers til the night before they were due. So, we'd stay up all night writing and typing and talking. We always got A's on them though. The only paper I ever got a B on in college was the one I did ahead of time. I think we were addicted to the rush of being under the gun of a deadline. And for me, it's when I was most creative, under pressure.

3. I struggle with depression. But, I'm very good at hiding it. It mostly occurs through the months of November through February. I know some of it is probably heredity. My mom struggled with depression. For the longest time, I couldn't understand why she couldn't just focus on the good things in her life instead of dwelling on all the bad. I even struggled with the whole issue of "if I was only good enough or better, then maybe she would be happy." Or at other times I would be angry thinking "why can't she just love us enough to pull it together." But, then when I lost my daddy on November 25, 2003, and then momma on January 31, 2006, I started to struggle myself. I can't explain it, but, it's like a dark cloud or a heaviness that comes over me. Time does ease the pain, and after a while you tend to forget all the bad or hard times and only think about the good times together. But, even those are bitter sweet at times, because out of no where you can be hit with a flood of emotions. And they're so overwhelming. You can hold onto the reassurance of knowing they are in a better place, and yet feel so angry and sad about how unfair it is that you'll never see them hold your child. Knowing better, doesn't always make the feelings you struggle with go away. And if you've never lost a parent, sibling, spouse or child that is that close to you and a part of your everyday life, then you just don't know what it's like. You can't understand. And that's no one's fault. It just is what it is. So, now I let the feelings come. I embrace them and let myself feel them, and then I move on. I believe very strongly in what the Bible says about taking every thought captive and that our fight is not against flesh and blood. I can recognize when the devil is trying to stir my emotions and fill my mind with all the "what if's," or "if only's." It is exhausting at times, but, I know I have to actively choose to move forward, think on the things that are pure and lovely and honorable, as the Bible tells us. I want my children to feel secure and loved. So, sometimes I wear a mask of happiness and I pray and wait on the Lord to help the feelings follow. And they always do. Thank God they always do.

4. I love acting. I've never felt comfortable as a singer, but acting is totally different. I can lose myself in a character, and never experience stage fright, but I always do when singing. (We kinda have that in common, Ashley.) And, I feel like I've had a lot of practice, not just in school or community theatre, but even in my own everyday life. I'm one of the greatest actresses in the world when it comes to my own life. I had to be to survive. When you grow up with an alcoholic, you learn to hide things very well. I also hid my abuse from my parents for years. In fact my dad never knew. I became a people pleaser, and I hid it with a smile on my face and an outgoing bubbly personality. I hid it by surrounding myself with friends and achievements, and all the "right things." Hiding or masking my emotions still comes easy, but at least now it's in a healthier more focused way.

5. I never should have been a music major. What? No really, other than performance, I've never been able to get a tight grasp on the technical part of it all. Theory, form and analysis, orchestration, all over my head. I barely made it through those classes. I excelled in Opera, and solo and choral performance. I didn't enjoy teaching music as much as I did gifted education, or early childhood education. I got into music because in all of my auditions in New York, New Orleans, Colorado, California, ect. for musical theatre, I was only accepted into theatre programs instead of musical theatre, which is what I was going for. I decided to stay in state for college and work on my music so I could re-apply or re-audition, and hopefully get accepted to the conservatories or schools I wanted to get into. Then I met Hugh, and had to figure out what to do with my career path, and the rest is history. I don't regret any of it, because it all led me to where I am now.

6. I would love to home school, but, its a decision that my husband and I are not in total agreement on. And I'm OK with that. Right now we're praying about it, and I'm trying to learn more about it. And time will tell. Either the Lord will change Hugh's heart, and make him more comfortable with it. Or I will go back to teaching myself and hopefully still be actively a part of their education, in one way or another. Until then, I am reading a lot about it, and trying to plan. Just in case.

7. I love Sundays. I look forward to it all week. I love going to church. I know, I'm just weird that way. But, I actually crave that time of refreshment every week. I don't teach any of the classes or Bible studies on Sundays. (I do that on Mondays and Tuesdays.)Nor am I involved with the choir at our church here. It's just a time of praise and worship, refreshment and learning for me. And I soak it all in. It's the one time, I leave my children without worry or guilt and it's all about me and the Lord. I love the singing. I love the fellowship and I love the preaching. I love everything about it. I even love lazy Sunday afternoons with my family.

8. I'd love to be a movie critic. I love to watch movies and discuss them with Hugh. I love to take the characters apart, or a scenes or situation and really study it. What works, what doesn't. Hugh and I often discuss changes we would have make to a story or character. We can usually guess the outcome, ending or twist before it ever happens. He has a real eye for detail too. He can find everything wrong with the editing. Like how a clock in a background scene will say 1:30, and a few seconds later it will be 3:30 in the same scene. He always catches little mistakes like that. It's a lot of fun. A couple of weeks ago he was on the computer while I was watching Glee and I didn't even know he was watching or listening to it with me. But when Sue the coach of the Cherios, picked the little girl with Downs Syndrome to be on the team, he immediately said, "I bet she has a sister or brother with Downs." I love it when we catch little things like that before you actually see the outcome. I remember when I figured out Edward Norton's character in Primal Fear was actually faking his dissociative Identity disorder. It's like a game with us, figuring out the puzzle.

9. My husband plays Mafia Wars on my Face book and his. I've never actually played it, and wouldn't even know where to start. We know the passwords to each other's FB, e-mail, ect. We don't have any secrets from one another, and at the same time don't feel like it's an invasion of privacy. It's just not an issue. We're very open with one another.

10. Hugh and I are very protective of our marriage. We are by no means the picture perfect couple or poster for marriage, but we have both experienced what it's like when our parents split. His parents divorced, mine just separated and eventually got back together. So, we know what we don't want in a relationship and marriage. We decided a long time ago the this is for life. We're in it for thick or thin. The only way I'd ever leave him is if he were hurting or abusing me or the children. And that is not a part of his character. We've already seen tough times together, but, we're best friends and we love each other deeply and we know the Lord will help us through. He always has and He always will,if we keep ourselves open to His guidance and leading. And that is why the above may seem weird to some, but, we aren't afraid of or feel the need for privacy from each other. And that is also why we made the decision not to make or have any close intimate friendships with the opposite sex, after marriage. And we don't have any communication with any of our Ex's, or their families. (Ex's as in dating. This is our first and only marriage.) We don't believe it's healthy for our marriage. It's not about trust. It's about not putting our relationship at risk or in any kind of tempting situations. What could you have to talk about but the past. And there is no need to stir up memories or feelings in the past. And you don't know the intentions of someone from your past. You may have moved on, but, they may have not. And if you and your spouse are having a tense day, and an Ex starts showing you attention, you may not even notice yourself getting drawn into a very slippery slope that could damage your relationship. I see it all the time. People think, "I know better or I'm stronger than that." But, know that the devil will use anything to break up a godly marriage. And we're not giving him an inch. I'm so glad we can discuss things like this, and that we're on the same page. Because that's all that really matters, even if the whole rest of the world doesn't understand.
So, did you learn anything new about me? I hope so. I would like to award this to the following...
Demetria
Susan
Sandra
June
Rachel-(private blog)
Sherry
Pearl
I look forward to learning more about each of you ladies. Blessings!