One of Those Days....

Have you ever stopped to notice the "balance" of circumstances and events in your life? You know the old adage, there is good for every bad and yin for every yang.

I may be the odd man out here, but when I was younger, I struggled more with circumstances outside of myself. The random chaos of events that seemed to occur in my life. I focused more on the "WHY" -"Why is this happening to me?" But, the older I get the more the struggle is internal. I guess what I mean is that I can deal with that fact that my perspective is only one small aspect in the grand scheme of things. I don't have the advantage of seeing or having knowledge into the "Big Picture." But, I rest secure in the assurance that God does. And I trust Him.

Internally I am still struggling with the things I can't control. Things I desperately want control of in my life. I try and try, but still end up feeling like a failure, in so many areas. I feel like if I focus on developing my spiritual life through bible study or serving in our church, I seem to neglect my home. And if I spend time culling out, reorganizing and cleaning my home, I should be spending more time with my children. If I focus on spending one on one time playing with each of the babies everyday -reading to them or giving them a social outlet through play group outings and events, well then, I seem to be neglecting my husband and marriage. And heaven forbid when I start to look at the part of my life I can really get depressed. I'm not the home maker and wife I want to be. And my insecurities can so get the best of me in this area. I love my husband. I mean I am really in love with him. And I know he loves me, but I also know he probably gets tired of having to reassure me of his love. I'm not the sweet petite thing I used to be. And I so desperately want to be, for him -for us. I know as a doctor, he is around other doctors and nurses who would gladly take him from me if they could. My insecurity whispers....What if someone comes along who is prettier, more interesting, more intelligent, or fun to be with. It scares the heck out of me sometimes. And it hurts him that I would give serious consideration to such thoughts. But, I can't help it, some days I just don't feel good enough. And I'm secretly scared he may someday feel that way too. Yes, even happy go lucky me can get down in the dumps sometimes. (And, I can imagine the devil is laughing hysterically as I lie face down i the mud right about now.)

I left work where I at least felt accomplished and successful some of the time. And while I would Never, EVER trade this time of my raising my children at home, it's just so hard sometimes. I was just telling a friend over the holidays that when it comes to being a stay at home mom, or wife AND mother in general.......Nothing has ever given me greater joy, and at the same time nothing has ever made me feel so inadequate. I wish I could just get things to stand still, and stay clean, for a moment while I catch up. Or can my children just not need me long enough for me to have a few minutes alone with my husband every night. Too much to ask -I know.

No really, I know it's not all that bad. This is just me being vulnerable and sharing insight into my insecurities, just in case some of you foolishly thought I had it all together. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed feeling like a big, fat failure today. Ever have those days? Be Blessed my friends! Love Y'all!