Tuesday, December 30, 2008

One of Those Days....

Have you ever stopped to notice the "balance" of circumstances and events in your life? You know the old adage, there is good for every bad and yin for every yang.

I may be the odd man out here, but when I was younger, I struggled more with circumstances outside of myself. The random chaos of events that seemed to occur in my life. I focused more on the "WHY" -"Why is this happening to me?" But, the older I get the more the struggle is internal. I guess what I mean is that I can deal with that fact that my perspective is only one small aspect in the grand scheme of things. I don't have the advantage of seeing or having knowledge into the "Big Picture." But, I rest secure in the assurance that God does. And I trust Him.

Internally I am still struggling with the things I can't control. Things I desperately want control of in my life. I try and try, but still end up feeling like a failure, in so many areas. I feel like if I focus on developing my spiritual life through bible study or serving in our church, I seem to neglect my home. And if I spend time culling out, reorganizing and cleaning my home, I should be spending more time with my children. If I focus on spending one on one time playing with each of the babies everyday -reading to them or giving them a social outlet through play group outings and events, well then, I seem to be neglecting my husband and marriage. And heaven forbid when I start to look at the part of my life I can really get depressed. I'm not the home maker and wife I want to be. And my insecurities can so get the best of me in this area. I love my husband. I mean I am really in love with him. And I know he loves me, but I also know he probably gets tired of having to reassure me of his love. I'm not the sweet petite thing I used to be. And I so desperately want to be, for him -for us. I know as a doctor, he is around other doctors and nurses who would gladly take him from me if they could. My insecurity whispers....What if someone comes along who is prettier, more interesting, more intelligent, or fun to be with. It scares the heck out of me sometimes. And it hurts him that I would give serious consideration to such thoughts. But, I can't help it, some days I just don't feel good enough. And I'm secretly scared he may someday feel that way too. Yes, even happy go lucky me can get down in the dumps sometimes. (And, I can imagine the devil is laughing hysterically as I lie face down i the mud right about now.)

I left work where I at least felt accomplished and successful some of the time. And while I would Never, EVER trade this time of my raising my children at home, it's just so hard sometimes. I was just telling a friend over the holidays that when it comes to being a stay at home mom, or wife AND mother in general.......Nothing has ever given me greater joy, and at the same time nothing has ever made me feel so inadequate. I wish I could just get things to stand still, and stay clean, for a moment while I catch up. Or can my children just not need me long enough for me to have a few minutes alone with my husband every night. Too much to ask -I know.

No really, I know it's not all that bad. This is just me being vulnerable and sharing insight into my insecurities, just in case some of you foolishly thought I had it all together. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed feeling like a big, fat failure today. Ever have those days? Be Blessed my friends! Love Y'all!

7 comments:

Penless Thoughts said...

Tiffany, it is so important that we watch the "self talk". Our minds are going all the time, and it's important that we screen and control negative "self talk" and replace it with positive "self talk". We really do contol that.

I know you're just having a bad day and you'll bounce right back but it hurts me to hear you fel this way because as a Child of God you have MUCH value.

Wish I was there to give you a big (hug). Believe me I would :o)
Susan

Tiffany said...

Oh Ms. Susan, you are so sweet! Thank you. I could use a hug today. I really do know what you're talking about. I just finished doing a study in November, on taking every thought captive in obediance to Christ. On learning to be content and focusing on the things that are pure, lovely, just......I really am just having a bad day. But these are battles the devil tries every so often to trip me up with. So, I covet your prayers!

Kimberly said...

I do appreciate your honesty and vulnerability here, Tiffany. And as a stay-at-home mom who is not as petite as she used to be, I do understand the lies that are being whispered to you and the question of what to put your hands to in a day.

I am praying for you as you CLING to His Word. It is because we have such a powerful ministry as wives and moms that the enemy wants to tear us down in these very areas.

You have a BEAUTIFUL heart for your husband and children, and I know you love the Lord so deeply!

May we rest in His love and the worth we have in Him today and every day!
Love you,
K

Ashley said...

Thank you for being honest! We all have those days....everyone. And sometimes all you need someone to say is, "I understand. I've been there." So, that's what I'm saying to you. I know that you're a believer and your security is in Christ. But we all just have those days. It's okay! :o) Oh, Kurt feels terrible about forgetting to return your call. I'll message you my number :o)

luvmy4sons said...

Oh and God loves your precious heart...and He wants you to rest and be assured that HE will finish the good work He began in you. And each time you "feel" as if you have failed you are one step closer in this agonizing process of sanctificaiton. You can do no more to earn His love than believing on His son, Jesus Christ. Rest...do all you can but now there is no condemnation. Funny...I used to feel this way SO SO SO much of the time. As I have gotten older I have learned to let go. Teens have helped me let go of control! LOL! I can't say I don't on occasion still feel the way you described. I could identify with it so easily...but those episodes are FAR less frequent and last FAR less minutes. Love and hugs to you. Many blessings in this New Year!

demetria said...

sweetheart. . .

you are such a beautiful person, both inside and out. i hope you know how much i admire you. . . . your walk with our Lord, your attitude, your quick wit, your intelligence, your style, your love for family.

guess i'm saying look up, sister, 'cause that's where you point me all the time. kisses.

btw. . a little something is over at my blog for you.

Jen said...

I think every woman thinks this in her life..more often than we think they do. It's perfectly normal. And its that time of year where the holidays are over..we all over ate and it's now cold January....dreary old January....not even a holiday in there to get excited about.
To make myself feel better I read devotions daily and try to walk at least 30 minutes a day...it helps me feel better about myself. I so hope you are feeling better today.