Ponderings of my Heart

Hello my friends. I know, it's been a while. I'm sure most of you thought you'd all but lost me. I have been in kind of a hibernation of sorts. Getting sick slowed me down enough to realize that God was trying to get my attention. He took this opportunity to point out that I need to do a little Spring Cleaning.

So, I hop right to it, not stopping long enough to listen fully to what He had to say to me. Just ready to get back on track. "Yes, Lord! You're right, I need to lose all the distractions and get back to what you have for me. (Thinking that I already know what it is He has for me. ~Silly me.)

I have to say, in my defense, that for a little over a year now, we have kinda had a theme going, in our relationship, God and I. Like Peter, the Lord one day turned to me and said, "Tiffany, do you love me?" And of course my answer was, "Why yes Lord, you know that I love you." And He said, "We talk a lot about love, you and I." .....And in all honesty, love has been an on going conversation with us for years. It usually involved a lot of questions and pleading on my part, all out of what was my little understanding, or should I say miss-understanding of Love.

With my parents, friends, in relationships, Yes, even in my marriage, the cry of my heart was "I just want them to love me! Please God!" What I was really saying is I want them to approve of me, support me, encourage me, care for me, protect me, to never disappoint me, and to never ever leave me. That's all. Why is that asking for too much. I try to love them in that way. I try very, very hard. But, it's never enough. Why is it never enough, Lord? I don't understand.

"Maybe, it's because you're looking for love in all the wrong places. At least the kind of love you're talking about. The security you're looking for...that un-yeilding, un-ending love can only be found in me. ........It's like the light suddenly came on. I don't know why I hadn't seen it before.

"I've tried to tell you." -You have, I said. "Yes, baby girl! You were just always too busy talking to listen to what I was trying to say to you." A lesson I'm still obviously trying to learn. Fast forward to last year, and we're back at the question. His question. "Do you love me Tiffany? -I mean really love me. Not just honor and obey, but love me, the way you desire to be loved. (....long pause...) "I want to Lord, but in all honesty, I don't think it's ever been that intimate." "Let's change that," He said. And so we did.

Now fast forward to last month, a.k.a. Spring Cleaning. So, I'm busy running about getting my house in order, and He has to gently slows me down enough to let me know that while this is a good thing I'm doing, it's not exactly what He had in mind. I was referring to dusting out some of the dark places in your soul. Maybe even get in the garden and do a little pruning and planting. We need new growth. You spent last year getting to know me. We focused on intimacy. And while that is a journey is never ending, I have something more for you.

It's time for you to trust me. No matter where I lead you, no matter what I ask of you, you need to trust me. Even if you don't understand, and even if every fiber of your being and emotion you have wants to resist, just trust me.

So, this year's theme is Submission. It's been a little scary already and ever so slightly uncomfortable, but I'm growing and learning. And nothing is better than where He wants me to be, and what He wants me to be. And to know that I made His heart smile. I'll share more later. I'm in the middle of a big test right now. There will be lots to come....Stay tuned! ~Blessings all around!